Many of my clients have therapy goals related to becoming more independent within relationship(s)- they want to become less dependent on a partner, friend, or parent.  When someone reports that this is something they want to work on, one of the first questions I ask is “what does being independent mean to you?”  People will answer in a variety of ways such as “I get anxious when my partner and I aren’t together or if they are out with friends without me,” or, “When I’m sad, I can’t feel better until I talk to my partner and she comforts me.”   The first thing I tell clients when talking about relationship dependence is that as humans, we are social beings that are wired for connection - we need others. That said, there is a difference between needing connection with others vs. relying on a specific person’s presence, feelings or actions to make us feel a certain way.  If you find yourself identifying with the latter, you may be codependent.  

Being codependent is a difficult reality to face, and it can be even more difficult to overcome.  It is often a result of the way you learned to attach to others as a child or relationship experiences you’ve had throughout your life. Chances are that if you are in a codependent relationship, it does not feel healthy or satisfying.  It has likely stunted the relationship and/or impacted the mental health of yourself and the other person. Signs that you are in a codependent relationship might include:

• You don’t leave the relationship despite the fact that this person continuously brings you unwanted feelings (sadness, anxiety, distress, pain).

• You do not want to end the relationship because you are terrified of being alone.

• You rarely spend time with friends, family, or other important others because you are constantly spending time with this person.

• You give up activities or hobbies you used to enjoy, in favor of spending time with this person.

• You find yourself getting jealous or angry when this person spends time with other people.

• You cannot imagine your life without this person.

• This is the only person who can make you feel better when you are sad or upset.

• This person’s mood significantly and consistently impacts the way you feel. For example, if this person is sad, you are sad. If this person if angry, you are angry. If this person is happy, you are happy.

It takes a lot of courage to face the reality of being codependent, and it takes a lot of time, energy, and hard work to overcome it. That said, once you do so you will likely find yourself feeling more in control of your life while also having healthier and more fulfilling relationships.  Here are six ways that you can work to overcome codependency.

1. Build an awareness of the dependence and explore where it comes from.

One of the first steps to overcoming codependence is acknowledging that it exists. Start to notice the thoughts, feelings and behaviors you engage in that support the dependence. You can also start working to understand the root cause and where it comes from.  Here’s a quote for you: “Not everything that’s named can be tamed but nothing can change until it’s named.” Meaning, once you can identify where it comes from and when it’s happening, then you can start to do something about it.  

2. Practice and tolerate being alone.

Tolerating being alone is going to be uncomfortable at first, especially if your pattern is to reach out as soon as you feel lonely. That said, the more you practice without giving into the urge to reach out, the easier it will become.  Being able to be alone is important because we cannot depend on someone to ALWAYS be there.  Additionally, it allows space for you to self-reflect and re-build your relationship with yourself.  

3. Intentionally plan time to see other friends and engage in hobbies outside of the relationship.

A common behavior associated with codependence is spending the majority of your time with one person while letting your other relationships and interests fall to the wayside.  The problem with this is that you end up depending solely on one person to fulfill all of your needs, which is an impossible task. It’s important to have a number of people in your life that you can go to for support, fun, and enjoyment rather than just depending on one person. It’s also important to explore and pursue personal interests outside of the relationship so that when this person goes away you aren’t left feeling like you have nothing.  

4. Work to accept your unwanted/vulnerable feelings.

It’s common to push away vulnerable emotions such as hurt, pain, sadness and disappointment.  Suppressing these feelings may help in the short term in the short term, but they almost always return, and often they return as even bigger/more intense emotions.  Accepting that painful feelings exist allows for self-connection, self-understanding and healing.

5. Learn to nuture yourself.

If your friend or partner was crying, what would you say to them?  Would you tell them to suck it up and move forward?  Maybe (depending on the situation and your relationship), but probably not. Chances are you would listen, try to put yourself in their shoes, and offer support.  If this same person was sick with the flu, you might bring them soup or offer to pick up their homework from school. Treat yourself the same way.  If you are not feeling well, nuture yourself by treating yourself to some comfort food, a hot bath, or your favorite movie.  If you are sad or feeling depressed, talk kindly to yourself.  Learning to nuture yourself allows you to make friends with yourself and depend less on the person you are dependent on to take care of you. 

6. Start advocating for your needs.

If you are codependent on someone, it’s common to give up parts of yourselves in order to accommodate the other person because you are terrified of losing them.  For example, you might be afraid that if you speak up they will get mad and leave you.  The problem with this is that it leads to self-abandonment which almost always results in resentment and a deterioration of your self-respect. You may lose slight of who you are and what your needs are, leading to an unhealthy relationship with yourself and resentment towards the other person.  It’s important to be able to first identify what your needs are and then stand up for these needs.  Once you start doing so you will begin to recognize that your needs are important and worthy of being met and you can start to rebuild your self-confidence.